Articles Of Interest

August 6, 2020

It's Not Moving On, It's Moving Forward

In 2014, writer Nora McInerny suffered three tragedies; the loss of her father to cancer, a second miscarriage, and the passing of her husband to glioblastoma. Since this terrible year, Nora has been able to work through her grief and channel it into her new career as an author, podcaster, and founder of a non-profit. In a recent TED Talk, she explains her biggest pet peeve is when people say she “moved on.” Nora likes to think of her life since 2014 as “moving forward” and gives her reasons why.

 

First, Nora recognizes that everyone will experience loss in their lives, and people need to come to terms with death. She believes that is why death is an important topic to discuss and be open to talking about. When you recognize loss as an important topic, then you can continue to talk about the passing of your loved one and work through your grief. Support groups are a great environment for this.

 

Next, Nora states that no grief is “normal.” People experience grief in different ways and often feel conflicting emotions. The only commonality in grief is that everyone feels it from time to time, and it is okay to be emotional.

 

At one point during her TED Talk, Nora explains why she doesn’t like the term “moving on.” Moving on implies that you leave your loved one’s memory behind you, in order to get on with your life. Instead, by viewing her life as “moving forward,” Nora shows that she is able to cope with her loss, while keeping the memory of her family alive in her heart.

 

Nora closes with her view on the next chapter of her life. Tragedy can never end with a “happily ever after;” however, you can move forward to the next chapter growing from your loss and find happiness in life again. All you need to do is remember the loved ones you’ve lost and open your heart to new love.

 

View Nora’s full TED Talk about Moving Forward

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Bring their memory to the table Serve up a tasty reminder by preparing some of your loved one’s favorite recipes. Give a Thanksgiving toast or prayer that acknowledges the role that they played in your family’s lives. Consider creating a centerpiece made up of mementos from their life for the table. Or go around the table and ask each person to share something they are grateful for about the person who has died. Do something together to honor their memory There are many Thanksgiving Day events that your family can participate in to honor your loved one’s memory. Sign up for a turkey trot or charity walk. Watch one of their favorite movies together. Attend a remembrance service. Donate food or money in their name. Help to serve a Thanksgiving meal to families in need. Continue to share your memories Every family has their favorite stories and memories that they tell that highlight the unique personalities of each member. Be sure to continue sharing your memories and reminisce about those that you have lost. Whether it’s at the dinner table or during the football game, simply talking about your loved one is often what we need most after a loss. Accept that this Thanksgiving will be different. Try to find the balance between moments of grief and moments of joy. Listen to your intuition and only do what you can manage. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing. Grief is hard and tiring. Get plenty of sleep and give yourself permission to let in some joy this Thanksgiving.

Why You Need To Keep Beneficiary Designations Up To Date

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Who can be a beneficiary? In most cases, people name their spouse, children or someone who financially depends on them as beneficiaries. A beneficiary can also be a sibling, other family member, friend, charity or trust. There are two types of beneficiaries: primary and contingent. If the primary beneficiary is deceased, then the asset goes to the contingent beneficiary. Why is it important to designate beneficiaries? Beneficiary designations take effect immediately after death. Because of this, they override any instructions that may be in a will regarding the distribution of assets. Having beneficiaries named on an account circumvents the probate process and helps ensure that assets can be transferred to heirs without delay. Even if you write a legal will leaving the assets to another person, whoever is listed as the beneficiary on your accounts is the person who will inherit. Matching beneficiary designations with provisions in your will can ensure that your wishes are followed properly. Retirement account beneficiaries Even changing your job can necessitate updating your beneficiary. If you roll over your retirement account, make sure that the account lists the correct beneficiaries. Previous beneficiary designations generally will not automatically move with your assets. Provisions for beneficiaries vary from plan to plan and state law — some of which automatically eliminate former spouses as beneficiaries. However, for many employer-sponsored retirement plans, such as 401(k) plans, these laws do not apply. A cautionary tale Suppose you married in your twenties, had two children and set up a life insurance policy, naming your then-spouse as beneficiary. Fifteen years later, you have divorced and remarried, and now, you have a child with your new partner. If you never updated your beneficiaries on your life insurance policy, your ex-spouse would inherit, leaving no proceeds for your current spouse or any of your three children. Take the time now to check that beneficiary information on your accounts is accurate and up to date. Updating your beneficiaries is simple, usually requiring filling out paperwork or making changes online. DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary. Only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state. If you need advice about designating your beneficiaries, talk to an attorney or estate planner to help ensure your final wishes are carried out.

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How to Help a Coworker Who is Experiencing Grief

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Consoling a member of your family or close friends over the loss of a loved one can be difficult, but figuring out how to acknowledge that same kind of loss to a coworker or employee adds another layer of complexity. With family and friends whom you have a close relationship, you have the benefit of knowing that person and how you might help them manage their grief. You may not have that same level of familiarity with coworkers. A first step for managers or supervisors of someone who has experienced a loss is to make sure that your employee is aware of how the company (and you) can support them during their time of grief. Make sure that they know about the company's bereavement policy and any human resources support that are in place. In addition, let them know that you are aware that grief can have an impact on their ability to think clearly and perform their job duties. Flexibility is key to helping them. Everyone has struggled to manage the demands of work at one time or another. On average, U.S. employees receive four days of paid leave. Returning to work in such a short period of time can be challenging. Considering that the very real physical symptoms of grief, including ‘brain fog’ and loss of energy can decrease work productivity, coworkers can help by offering to assist them with some of their duties. Coworkers can also support grieving people by acknowledging their loss in person, with a note, or email. Whatever method you chose, it’s important to acknowledge their loss in some way. Remember to keep it simple. Avoid cliches about ‘being in a better place’ or giving advice. If you talk with them, don’t ask about details of the death, which can be upsetting. Simply listening is the best thing you can do. Don’t be tempted to share your stories of loss. Now is not the time to focus on your experience. It’s time to support someone else along their journey. If you don’t know your coworker well, be observant and take your cues from them. Judging as best you can when they are open to talking or when they prefer privacy. Most importantly, give them the time they need to deal with their loss. Grief doesn’t just magically disappear in few weeks or month. It ebbs and flows for a long time, sometimes even years. So, remember to periodically check back in with your coworker to see how they are managing their grief. 
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